SOMA School one man's experience

KataThis!

At the urging of my cousin-Vinny, I left San Francisco for a week and moved into a missional community school; SOMA.  (Thanks Vince.)    Yeah, that’s right I missed a Sunday of being in community with Lighthouse, missed my daughter’s 5th grade “Outdoor Ed” send off, Scott’s sermon on Ephesians and a date night with Julie, so that I could do life with people I had never met.   I’ve been to these conference things before, where you get a hotel room, rent a car, spend 4 hours or so each day discussing techniques, hearing motivational speeches, learning programs for the next generation MegaChurch, then retiring each evening to the privacy of your room and a sense of completing a corporate church thing. That’s not what this was.   And after this week, it will be a long time before I go back to one of those conference/seminar/selfhelp/how-to-do-church-the-new-and-improved-way.  A very long time.

I don’t know where to start.  What happened to me?  Yesterday while telling Julie about it i kept getting all choked up, couldn't complete some of my sentences.  Stuff happened, on a heart level, that my mind hasn’t found words to articulate.  Stories and Scriptures make sense, my hermeneutic arcing in rhythm with the early church's.  I think I saw the Kingdom of God.  Or, at least, what its about to become.  And it wasn't about being motivated.  It wasn't a new Mega-Church technique.   Or some retooling shed and equipment stuff.   Was it a redefining of who I am?  Or was it a reorienting of my mission?  Was it ontological? Spiritual?  I don’t know.   Vince said, “I have preached the Word, lived the Word, but for some reason the Gospel never reached my heart.  This week, the Gospel touched my heart.”   Yeah, it was that and so much more.

Community Claustrophobia

Where do I start?

Maybe I could tell you that as a kid I needed my space.  Lots of it.   Crowds got claustrophobic quick.  My mom observed this tendency in me when I was 12 or so.  I love being alone.   I like things clean and orderly, private and functional.  I like being in control of my environment.  Yeah I love people.  I’m a pastor.  But I love spending time with me.  The thought of living in a missional community with people I don’t know slammed me with anxiety.  What if they drone on about their aunt Gertrud or try to cram some weird theology down my throat?  (remember my story of the water-softener salesman?)  I never thought to ask why I felt this way.  I never saw it as an un-gospeled heart.  I just called it my personality. 

I felt I had made big sacrifices in moving from my gated community in the Valley to my squashed house in San Francisco’s Sunset.  And if that wasnt enough, then going from my Sunset house to living in the 1337 Sutter Synagogue where our church gathers.  And to top that off from living in the gathering space to sharing that space with 6 others (but not in my apartment).   So when Vinny said, “It’s a school where you live in a community for a week.”  I sounded like God saying, “Jeff, you still haven’t got the community thing down.  You’re not claustrophobic enough.”   And I didn’t want to give up any more space in my life.  But that was before I met Mark and Roseanne.

Captain Mark (he has his captain license for sailing and boating) and his  beautiful wife Roseanne hosted me in their home.  The house was lovely.  Waterfront, big windows, clean and tidy.   But the beauty of their home paled in comparison to the way that Christ glowed thru them.   Another pastor, from Portland, Royce, shared the space with me.  My room had a box with some chocolates, water, gum and fruit.  I was told that the refrigerator was mine and to help myself to anything.

Each morning I woke up to the smell of bacon and eggs, coffee and juice, waffles and pancakes.  Then there was the fresh blackberries and strawberries.  Roseanne arranged the table and food with skill and grace.    Each morning we joined hands, and thanked God for the food which reminded us of his goodness and was a hint of his faithfulness.  Then before the first bite Mark would peck Roseanne on the cheek and we would dig in.  Royce and I would then leave and drive to the 6th Avenue Soma building.  From 8:45AM until 5PM we heard the story of God, gospeled each other, 4-G'd ahead, and instead of learning some nifty ministry techniques and marketing solutions and cutting edge programming, we worked on our hearts.  God storied his way past the crusty pride and religious entitlement and faced off in my heart.  Upon returning home each evening Mark, Roseanne, Royce and I again joined hands, thanked God for his goodness, ate together, talked about what we learned.   We stayed up talking late into the night.  Hours and hours of just sharing Jesus.  One night a few others gathered:  Kassie and Esther.  They asked me to share my story.  I tried to keep it brief, but . . .

Maybe it was living with ordinary people eclipsed by the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Or maybe it was the way they held their flaws in tension with their faith.  New vocabulary emerged.  Gospel became “gospeled.”  Other words were placed in context; missional was what we were doing and not a book we had read.

On Saturday we restored a park slope; cutting trees, brush, and removing  debris and spreading wood chips over the freshly cleared ground.   I was refreshed to see pastors and elders working together, one with a rake, another with a weed whacker, another with a wheelbarrow and yet another with trimmers.  Sweating, toiling, laughing and joking.   When we completed the project, we paused to remove splinters, care for cuts and nicks from thorny berry bushes, wipe dirt and sweat from our faces.  Caesar directed our eyes to the Sacred Space we had re-created, “This is a redemptive work.   This is a picture of what God does to our hearts.  This display is for the whole City to see.  God puts his hands in the thorny bramble of our soul, digs out the prickly weeds, redeems the littered grounds, recycles the ugly bottles and plastics, syringes and trash.  The Gospel restores broken tree limbs, heals and covers the ground, and beautifies the park.  Some people never see God in all of this.  But others will ask us, ‘Why do you landscape such hope?’  And we will be ready to give them an answer.”  That night Mark and I talked about the messiness of humanity when it tries to do church on its terms.   We rejoiced in the goodness of God.  I was sore, really sore, Roseanne let me sit in her Back Massaging Chair.  While Mark entertained me with stories of sailing from San Francisco to Hawaii. 

The cup of communion in the house of community. 
By Sunday, I was so overwhelmed with the information in my head and the transformation in my heart, I thought I couldn’t possibly get more.  I was overloading.   I sat there in Soma’s downtown gathering, with wave after wave of thought pounding me.  The first 20 minutes of the sermon I didn’t hear a thing.  I busied my mind.   I need to read Total Church, Prodigal God, The Shape of Things to Come.  Really read them.   Really get this down!   Meet with our leaders on Wednesday when I return!  I will have to sit down with Julie and make sure she is on board!   Take the elders through the Story of God.  Take my kids through the Story of God!  Start a business that connects me with people in my community.   Each time I thought of something I needed to do I sunk in despair.  I felt so far behind.  I didn’t even realize how far my heart had drifted from the teachings.  Then Jeff Vanderstelt said, “sometimes we think we need to attend another seminar, read another book, get more education.  We work like we don’t need Jesus.  We think the book is the answer.  The seminar is the answer.  We make an idol of our to-do lists.”  The Spirit, then, spoke to me, “You are worshiping an idol.  Repent.  Quit looking to yourself to make this happen.  Look to me.  You don’t have to do anything.  Let me do it, thru you.”   (I have since come to see there is a line drawn between doing things out of stewardship and call and doing them out of anxiety and idolatry.  And that line is defined by joy and gratitude.  When the joy is gone and the gratitude is missing, then its a full-blown idol).

The sermon ended.  Mark leaned over, "You guys want to join us at the Communion Table?"  

I stood before the table.  Broke a chunk of bread off of the loaf.  Stabbed it into the deep red wine, until the crimson color invaded the white.  Brokenness dripping with life.   Scooting close together, with my new community, we huddled in holy hush and prayed.

With music playing, candles burning, and a reddish morsel of life we remembered Jesus.  I cried.  I kept hearing Jesus say, “look at the community you have with Mark and Royce and Roseanne, and its been only a week!  Imagine what I can do in Lighthouse.”  That winesoaked moment, broken body and crushed blood, gospeled out my fears.  Healed my heart. Mark hugged me and prayed for me.   A flood of hope washed over me.

I’m still gospeling my heart through this.  I have joined the lament on how the church has become an event and not a people.   Today I share a full-orbed meaning of “gospel” and “mission”.  I didnt know what they meant before.  My heart and soul stand face-to-face with the Gospel.  Confronted.  My hermeneutic, is gunk free and debris cleared, gospel-fitted.  See, I now recognize hidden underneath my pastoral façade was pride, and lots of it.  Sandwiched in between my intense passion for San Francisco and my education was a moldy arrogance.    My heart is being gospeled.  I am seeing Christ Jesus in everything.   God is great; I don’t have to be in control.  God is glorious; I don’t have to fear others.  God is good; I don’t have to look elsewhere for satisfaction.  God is gracious; I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. 

 

Comments

[Jeff Vanderstelt]

Jeff,

It was great to be with you this past week at Soma School. I was deeply encouraged by God as I read your blog post...not only because of how He worked in you this past week, but because it reminded me of the life I have in community here with the Soma Family.

Thanks for the blessing and the reminder of God's goodness!

Jeff

[Vince Larson]

Jeff,
Thanks for articulating this. I couldn't agree more. God got a hold of my heart this week. It's amazing what changes begin to take place in every area of your life (words, actions, thoughts) When God moves in & takes up residence in your heart. It's scary to think that I'm a pastor, leading people to God... yet this whole time (I realized this week), Ive been leading them to a system... a model... a "missional church" that had become my idol. Royce said a quote this week that stuck with me: "What you win them with is what you win them to..." Have I been winning people to my idols, or to Jesus?

This week has transformed me as well. Thanks for sharing, cuz! I'm excited about the direction God's leading us!

[Michael Pena]

Dr. Garner,

For the last week, I have been consumed in your blogs, and your messages from Lighthouse via ITunes. When you wrote about your experience with SOMA, you mentioned something that ministered to me. Thank you for your blogging, through your website, I have been finding the answers to my questions.

Michael

[Sam]

Jeff,

Thanks for taking the time to attempt to articulate your thoughts and feelings. Kenny made and absolute mess of it on the way home in the car. Just Kidding! I hope you can share more of what you learned next month.

[Brandon Rogers]

Enjoyed being there with you, bro. Thanks for the retelling of everything.

[Debbie]

Thanks, Jeff. I am amazed at how quickly I can dismiss what God is trying to do in my heart... Praise God for how He has moved this week! And praise God that we, as brothers and sisters, can remind each other of that. I am convicted all over again of how rebellious and stubborn my heart is. May Jesus continue to Gospel our hearts and lead us to live in the amazing fullness of His love and truth.
Debbie

[Kenny Liles]

Jeff-

Thanks for the retelling. It's good to see what Soma did in our hearts from another perspective. I came away with the same revelation that if I try to start gospelling anything other than my own heart first, it will be in vain. It is always a great blessing to be with you. You encourage me in my journey. Thanks

Kenny

[Cristina Rodriguez]

Thank you for sharing this with us. It's amazing how God becomes new again and I'm thrilled that you had such a wonderful experience.

[Mark and Damariz Morrill]

Wow. Thanks for sharing this Jeff. We are excited to see how this shapes Lighthouse. -with love, Mark, Damariz and Markie

[Tessa Lindsey]

Jeff -

You're story is amazing. Your vulnerability and 'moldability' of your heart excited my heart so much. Our journey towards God will never get shorter, He will just keep throwing new turns and adventures are way unless we stop walking, and I'm glad you haven't. I can't wait to hear more about this at church! I'm glad you are back and safe too.

Tessa